2/4/12
Week 3 Theme: Scene and setting dialogue
Coach, “ok guys! , from one and nine, from the outhouse to the pent house; what do you say one, two, three, TEAM !!!”
Imagine the little seventh grader whose soccer team made it to the championship by luck of the draw. Soccer is the OORAH of washington county weather it be the high school team or the elementary team. The excitement was not really explainable at the time because of the upset. Here we have Harrington who struggled the whole season and only won one game by luck. Compared to the Milbridge schools soccer team who was undefeated and had the right to be. The teams skill and playing potential was excellent. We are the true story movies are made off. Milbridge had such a great season that the five opposing teams in our district were about the same as us so in order to pick the contender for the championship to verse Milbridge, really was luck of the draw. Harrington V’S Milbridge at the high school field in two days time.
Opposing team player, “Ok guys lets do this, we got it in the bag.”
Jesse, “Guys I want to win.”
(Whistle blows)
Opposing team player, “Cmon, on Ref he was of sides!”
Jesse, “T-J take the corner quick ! Everybody Push up ! rush the goal”
Opposing team player, “Defense hustle, man to man. No one gets through”
Jesse, “CALL IT OUT”
Opposing team player, “they should not have scored, what the fuck is this?”
Ref, “one more piece of language like that and your gone.”
Opposing team player, “sorry ref, alright guys pull it together right now.”
Jesse, “ Way to be Colby !! nice header. Lets go. Keep it up guys!”
Opposing team player, “ thirty seconds left! come on, whats going on!?”
Jesse, “YES!”
Coach, “ok guys! , from one and nine, from the outhouse to the pent house; what do you say one, two, three, TEAM !!!” (Smiles and laughs everywhere)
That corner kick goal, won Harrington the game. The game score ended up being two to one Harrington. We were the first team to ever hold Milbridge only to one goal and to also to even score against them had never happened to them. My father said Newton’s law. Always vote for the underdog. Milbridge had won too much. They went in to the game thick headed and ready to blow us away without a thought. They were not ready to face a small team that really wanted to win. We put our all into it and came out on top. Harrington won the championship and did so the following year also. Those were my two best years in elementary school. Seventh and eighth grade we were champions.
I think the order of material doesn't work here.
ReplyDeleteYour second and last graf chew over the same material, take different looks at it, and between them is the game dialogue. But those end piece grafs contain both pregame and post game information, so the time sequence winds up way too confusing.
How about a rewrite where you cut, simplify, reorganize, so there's more of a straightline time progression. That straightline progression is not always necessary and at times I'm going to urge you to intentionally play with it, but here I think you need it for the sake of clarity.
I revised and made some changes, so please let me know. I think I got it.
ReplyDeleteSure, I think that cleans up my objections and is clearer than the earlier version (though I can't claim to remember the earlier version totally--best if rewriting to repost the new version so the original is still available for comparison.)
ReplyDelete